Here's a tip: drinking coffee doesn't make you cool

COFFEE: Drinking it will not make you cool.
COFFEE: Drinking it will not make you cool. Hammondovi

OKAY, Episode Three. Today we are ranting.

I don't often rant. Like crying, I find it a completely pointless exercise, but after my semi-rant about the barking dog last time out I thought bugger it, let's go full-blown rant.

My target...coffee. I don't get it! It's a small, unfulfilling, overpriced, way too hot thing, but it's become a national infatuation.

And everyone is frothing on it. (See what I did there?)

Time to lift the lid on coffee. (Coffee pun number two, stop it!)

Fact: Coffee is made from the hearts of small coffee bean tree babies. They are harmless, people, and they deserve a chance at life.

Fact: Coffee will not make you cooler. In fact, it will make you hotter - it's science.

Fact: Coffee may be a stimulant/drug, but if your life/job/anything is that boring or hectic that you physically can't function/stay awake without the caffeinated poison, you should probably go hit the hay for a while or punch yourself in the face.

Fact: Sipping a latte and knowing the difference between a chai mocha frappe cappuccino and a skinny flat latte does not mean you are a fun person. In fact I would argue the opposite - it makes you a lemon.

Fact: Fact one may not be fact, fact two is questionable but has logic in its favour, facts three and four are however undoubtedly true.

Enjoy your coffee, love it, get weird with it late at night if you must but, people, let's not lose our heads here; it's still just a drink. Can you imagine if Lemsip went this big?

There are two kinds of coffee - iced coffee and normal coffee.

Just like there are two kinds of people - fun and not fun.

And if you have the time to study which part of Madagascar your decaf beans were harvested from, here's a tip - you're well into the latter of those two.

As a non-coffee-drinker, I don't go around telling you what drop of water I drank (for those playing at home it's Mt Franklin, because it's Australia's favourite spring water, and I love the way they capture that watery flavour without all the magnesium, and it has a cool waterfall/spring picture on the label).

See what I'm saying though. It's not actually that interesting what drop of black gold you drank this morning, or whether you're going on a coffee tour of the world.

Enjoy your coffee, love it, get weird with it late at night if you must but, people, let's not lose our heads here; it's still just a drink. Can you imagine if Lemsip went this big?

Anyway that's the Chronicles this fortnight. Sorry if I've stirred any of you up. (Coffee pun HAT-TRICK!!!)

Question of the Fortnight: Would you rather have to swim across a 50m pool to escape a hungry shark or run across a football field (100 yards) to escape an angry gorilla? (Once you get to the other side you are "safe".)



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