Why Kelly is superior to Beyonce
THERE is one main reason I've decided to force my unfiltered thoughts on Channel 9's reality singing show The Voice on the general population - I need a platform to discuss my feelings on Kelly Rowland and why she is the superior Destiny's Child member, over Beyonce.
But more on that later.
Season seven of the reality juggernaut blessed us by skipping over yet another sob story and straight to the action (but not before footage of Delta Goodrem clapping in excitement as she entered the studio, confirming my longstanding suspicion that she is a classic How I Met Your Mother-style "woo girl").
Mild-mannered South Australian Mikayla Jade, 18, wows Kelly, Delta, Boy George and Joe Jonas with her rendition of Calum Scott's Dancing On My Own.
Despite turning all four chairs, humble Mikayla still rolls out the old, "I don't know how talented I am" act.
Despite nobody buying it, Kelly and Delta decide it's time for a girl-power huddle and Kelly literally gets up in Mikayla's face while aggressively - but lovingly - telling her how awesome she is.
This, of course, validates my "better than Beyonce" claim. Honestly, I'd like to know if Kelly takes appointments, because I'd love her to semi-scold me into self-love.
But Mikayla chooses Delts, whose music got her through some rough times. I can understand that. Who hasn't cried into their pillow while cranking Lost Without You at one time in their life or other?
It doesn't take long before a former The Voice reject makes a return, with 17-year-old Victorian Aydan Calafiore landing another four-chair turn singing Despacito.
The kid doesn't even speak Spanish yet can still sing every word. Since we all know that's one up on Justin Bieber, I reckon it's well-deserved. He chooses Team Joe.
Quick side note on the newbie coach: how many times is he going to emphasise his alleged "youth"? At 28, I was already experiencing two-day hangovers and groaning when I bent down to pick things up.
However, adorable country Queensland sweethearts Homegrown - made up of O'Donoghue siblings Katelyn, 21, Liam, 18, and Kasey, 15 - are won over by his boyhood charm ditching the attempts of the other three coaches to snap them up following their harmony-filled performance of Tracy Chapman's Fast Car.
There's a bunch more artists that feature and a coach performance but all I really want to talk about before I sign off is Lauren Greco, aka "Mrs Jonas", who still hangs boy band posters on her bedroom wall at the age of 21.
Wearing a shirt with her love for Joe emblazoned across the chest, she covers Christina Aguilera's Ain't No Other Man.
The fact she doesn't turn a single chair doesn't bother her in the slightest because - in a cringe-worthy display - she can't stop screaming and fan girling.
It does win her an impromptu duet with him though, so good for her, I guess.