"HOW long have we been married?" I recently asked Long Suffering Wife.
Her response is unprintable, but the gist of it was, a very long time indeed.
It's been 24 years since we got hitched. I was hoping to steer the conversation around to how we could celebrate the occasion, instead of continuing the "discussion" about my ever increasing list of faults.
Not that Long Suffering Wife is perfect, far from it. For starters, she's not exactly a social animal.
Recently she announced out of the blue, "I'm really over parties. Honestly, I'd rather spend my evenings at home in my pyjamas watching TV".
Our dinner guests chose that moment to call it an early night.
And she has a fixation with covering every flat surface in our house with doilies, knick-knacks and photos of, well, everyone else but me.
Then there are the smells. Why she is still complaining about them I do not know?
I mean, it's not as if I haven't kept up a steady supply. Surely she should have grown used to them by now? The dogs have.
But on the plus side, she still has all her own teeth, the patience of a saint and many more years work left in her.
So I'll hang onto her for a while longer and see how things pan out; well, it's the least I can do.
For those of you wanting to know our secret, all I can say is, I honestly don't know.
Although keeping my opinions to myself, and the beer fridge fully stocked, has played a big part.
And to all those knockers who thought our marriage wouldn't last this long, I have only one thing to say; I'm sorry I believed you.