LATE NIGHT ROMP: Is this Bachelor’s dirtiest moment?
STRIPPED down and smelling of chlorine, The Bachelor's Nick Cummins has invited a girl back to his house and engaged in a televised romp so racy our goggles fog up.
Hearts pound and wet flesh presses together in the steamy moment that also involves a thong-back bikini. But not the same thong-back bikini Cass wore last week. Well, at least we think it's not the same one. Thong-back bikinis aren't the kind of thing you should be sharing with strangers.
Anyway, this series has gone on long enough. Nick doesn't care anymore. It's not clear if he ever did. We also don't want to be here anymore but we've already committed ourselves for six weeks and we'll be damned if we give up now. We've come too far.
Before the steaminess happens, the program is interrupted by Nicole Kidman's new ad for Pantene.
It's the final group date for the series so we decide to jet back in time. It's a school night and there's a pop quiz tomorrow, but we don't care. Rizzo, Frenchie and the rest of the Pink Ladies roll on up to the bowling alley after grabbing shakes at the diner to see what all the fuss is about, you dig?
Nick's looking like a real dreamboat standing by the jukebox. He thumps it with his fist and Pat Boone begins to play. Tucking his box of cigarettes back in the sleeve of his tight white tee, he whistles at the girls.
We all think bowling's totally bogus but just as we announce we're gonna burn rubber and cruise on over to the roller drive-thru, things heat up. One by one, everyone files into the back of Nick's Cadillac to get hot and heavy.
It really razzes our berries. But then someone's olds show up and turn the night into a real drag.
The vibe has been ruined. And just when we think it couldn't get any worse, The Andrews Sisters come on the jukebox and Cass decides to read from her diary again.
This night is a snooze. But the episode is saved when these two burly hockey players begin making out.
There was a time when Sophie found it hard to get close to Nick. And clearly this has changed. There's no more awkwardness. The apprehension has disappeared.
As their private date extends into the dark night hours, things get intimate. Dirty even. Sophie grabs Nick by the neck. His wet curls feel gross on her hands but she doesn't even care. Kicking things up a notch, Nick licks her face.
Following in Cass's footsteps, Sophie has decided to pull on a racy bikini. It drives Nick wild. There's probably a half-chub situation going on in his three-quarter boardshorts and he doesn't care if it shows. He's so turned on he lifts Sophie up on the side of the pool and we cop all sorts of views.
The thought of being filmed from behind while wearing a thong-back bikini is enough to make anyone anxious. But Sophie is brave. She doesn't even ask for a modesty sarong and we admire that kind of commitment.
Word of the romp filters back to Cass and she's annoyed. Racy bikinis are her thing. Left with no choice, she decides to fight fire with fire. At the cocktail party, she takes Nick out to the backyard and delivers her own moment of sexiness.
She puts on her best oversized Hawaiian shirt and slings a lei around her neck. But not just any lei. A really sexy lei.
With a ukulele in hand, she stares Nick dead in the eye and begins finger picking.
"When I met Nick for the first time, he's so fine. Damn he's a honey," she sings hauntingly.
We have certain feelings about it.
Meanwhile, Brittany steals my go-to pick-up line.
This night has dragged on. We're tired but also annoyed because nothing has happened and all we got from this episode is a lousy thong-back bikini. We could've been doing more productive things like re-watching Younger from season one again.
Nick tosses out some roses to some random girls. Dasha and Emily miss out.
Are they happy or sad? Who can tell. All we get is a weird vibe from their faces.
For more observations on Pantene and Nicole Kidman, follow me on Twitter: @hellojamesweir