‘He’s a joke’: New low for Bach cheater
Bachelor In Paradise's bedhopping backpacker is at it again, using the hearts of multiple girls as his own personal playground before one of them throws a bespoke piece of gross man-jewellery into the ocean like she's that old lady in Titanic.
"This guy is a f**king joke," says Alisha - who is shining as this series' chief narrator.
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Tuesday night's episode is a tale of heartbreak and liberation. We also hear a harrowing tale from Keira.
"I wasn't able to get laser hair removal a couple of years ago because they didn't have the technology," she holds back tears. "Now, I've just gone and had two sessions and I'm pretty much bald."
Wow, Keira. Thanks for opening up to us like that. It was really brave of you to relive the details.
We now throw to Alisha live on the ground for some breaking news.
"I share a room with Renee and, in among the sharing of clothes, I have discovered an $800 ring," she informs us. "And that ring is date-stamped with the date that Renee and Ciarran first got together. She got this ring made for Ciarran and she brought it along with her."
Thanks Alisha, we'll check back in with you for updates.
Wow. Renee had an $800 time-stamped ring custom-made for Ciarran. We don't get to see the ring but it sounds hideous. Everyone sits in silence as they start making a mental list of all the other things they'd rather have spent $800 on.
Why did Renee bring this piece of junk with her to the island? Some of the girls start asking questions and she reveals Ciarran only broke up with her a week before they came to Fiji.
"And two or three days after we broke up, he was spotted with Kiki," she raises her eyebrows.
Mary reacts for everyone.
Meanwhile, some guy from the FBI arrives on the island to interrogate everyone and, after an hour with these bozos, he'll wish he never left the world of convicted criminals.
"Ciarran, could you be monogamous with Kiki?" he quizzes.
Ciarran's brow furrows. We stare at him and he stares at us.
Kiki leans over and whispers in his ear: "Monogamous means not being with anyone else."
That's how disinterested Ciarran is in monogamy. He doesn't even know it's a word.
Do Ciarran and Kiki have a future together? The FBI agent tells it to us straight.
"Not at all," he snips. "It'll fizz out like fireworks. But who knows, it may be an arrangement for a future Instagram family."
But he's wrong. Their relationship won't just look good on Instagram. It'll also look good on television. Kiki and Ciarran are down on the beach whispering and they don't realise we can hear them, even though they're wearing microphones.
"It looks good on TV for us to get committed," she tells him through gritted teeth as they discuss what to do in the upcoming final rose ceremony.
Mary, over to you:
Ciarran's angry that he couldn't fool that old policeman. He pulls his ex Renee away and tries to rectify all the trouble he caused her. It's too much. He keeps playing with her emotions and she doesn't know where she stands. She thinks of the ring and how the ugly piece of unnecessary man-jewellery arrived on the day he admitted to the affair. She runs into her twin-share bure and slumps on the concrete floor of the outdoor shower.
Alisha follows and asks the hard question: "Why did you bring the ring? Was there a part of you that hoped you'd reunite?"
"Yeah, because he told me that," she sobs.
Wow. More revelations. We now cross to Alisha who's live at the scene. Alisha, describe the carnage.
"To learn that Ciarran told Renee this would be a reunion for them in Paradise is honestly so upsetting. This guy is a f**king joke," she fumes.
"The fact that Ciarran thinks it's OK to play with people's emotions … and manipulate people's emotions … for airtime? I'm glad that Renee has smarted up to the fact that Ciarran is an absolute load of shit."
We'll leave it there, thanks Alisha.
Renee is at rock bottom. Not quite the murky depths that, say, Keira found herself in back before IPL technology was widely available. But still, she's in a moment of darkness. And when demons from the past start snapping at your heels, the only choice is to run. Alisha grabs that ugly ring and holds her hand out to Renee. They burst through the front door of their twin-share bure and race across the grass of the common area. Everyone is congregated around the frozen daiquiri machine but the commotion makes them look over. Whispers get louder.
"It's … the ring," Mary says to no one in particular.
Kiki has no idea what they're talking about and it turns out she's the only one who doesn't know.
"I don't wanna be this dumb bitch! Please don't get in the way of me being the amazing woman that I am," she strops. "Bloody hell Ciarran, I don't trust you anymore."
Alisha and Renee jump off the grass, into the sand and plod along until it turns into mud and the water is up to their hips.
Their hearts are racing. A strong south easterly skims over the ocean and sprays salt water into their faces.
"Do you wanna throw it?" Renee asks Alisha.
Alisha grabs her hand and presses the foul craft market ring into her palm. "No babe, I want you to throw it."
Renee's chest is heaving and she stares out at the horizon. She swings her arm back, launches the ring into the sky and it splashes into the curl of a wave - disappearing forever in the white froth. She smiles for the first time since she arrived.
Still, one question lingers. And it comes from the mouth of the man who hurt her most: "Why would you waste $800?"
Originally published as 'He's a joke': New low for Bach cheater