LOVE Doctor Gabrielle Morrissey gives an action plan to follow when you can't reach the Big O.
Question: I am unable to have an orgasm. My boyfriend and I love each other, but he is so frustrated at my inability to orgasm that it's turning him off having sex with me at all.
I enjoy sex, even though I can't orgasm, but he defines successful sex by making me climax, and since he can't he feels like a failure.
I've had this problem my whole life, and have come to accept it, sort of, but how do I convince him that I love him, and love having sex with him even though I can't orgasm?
I'm so afraid he'll leave me over this, and I don't want him to.
Answer: Your relationship is in a vicious cycle because you aren't talking openly about this situation.
You need to express your fear that he will leave you over this, because this fear is festering in you, and making your anorgasmia (inability to have an orgasm) worse.
The sexual response system in the body is very fragile and the slightest thing such as fear, pressure and stress can switch it off … all things you no doubt feel when you're having sex and worrying what your partner is thinking as he tries to get you to climax.
Talk to him about the pleasure you feel when you have sex with him, regardless of orgasm.
Sex is about far more than orgasm. Tell him how much more you would enjoy sex if it wasn't about the goal of climax every time for you.
Agree to go see a sex therapist together, to find ways of enhancing your ability to reach orgasm, but make sure that you don't set yourself up for failure, if you don't.
A therapist will help you with sexual response exercises, and with releasing the feelings of 'failure'.
In order to convince your boyfriend that you enjoy sex without orgasm, you need to talk to him about what you love about having sex with him.
Spend some time engaging in sexual activity that does not include intercourse.
Play games and laugh together.
Re-establish your love of being together naked and connecting. Read erotic books together. Take baths together. Spend sexual time together that isn't about orgasms - for both of you.
You may not be able to reach orgasm without the help of a sex therapist, but you can re-invigorate your sex life so it's less about the Big O, and more about the Big I - Intimacy.