Groom's Shocker: ‘She doesn’t have the boobs to wear that’
AFTER Cheryl and Andrew removed themselves from the Married At First Sight experiment, I was sad.
Not at the breakdown of their marriage. Not because they publicly humiliated themselves. I was sad because, without them on the series, I was concerned there would be nothing more to write about.
But the universe has a way of looking out for you and, on Monday night's episode - just when I was thinking nothing interesting could possibly happen - controlling groom Anthony decides to dis his wife's boobs and all of a sudden things are looking up.
Along with Michelle freaking out and vomiting up her true feelings about Jesse during a panic attack, a fanny pack also makes an appearance.
Clearly it's all happening.
All the couples are going on one final big date before they go through a vow renewal ceremony. Apparently it's different to the weekly commitment ceremony. Don't ask me what the difference is because I don't care enough to know.
For their surprise date, Anthony is desperate to make it clear one final time that he controls all aspects of Nadia's life. So he goes and buys an outfit that he deems appropriate for his wife to wear.
"She doesn't have the boobs to wear that - she's got no boobs," he says holding up a dress.
Anthony has no idea about boobs or dresses and should be evicted from this Witchery immediately. He's a total dog and shouldn't be allowed out of the house but sometimes things slip through the net.
We'll just file this comment away right next to the one he made about Nadia being "frigid".
Getting ready for their date, frigid no-boobs Nadia can't decide if her relationship is more messy than her hair.
"I'm literally just not feeling good at all. I'm feeling a little bit fragile," she freaks out.
Nadia's feeling the pressure of having to make all the changes in her life while Anthony doesn't have to change a thing. To keep their relationship going, she has to move cities, change jobs and relinquish control of her wardrobe.
Anthony's surprise date consists of them sitting on a towel in some woodlands watching people sing opera. Over the shrill tones of two randoms, we listen to Nadia manically analyse all the issues in her relationship in a rapid-fire monologue.
It's fricken intense.
All the elements together have overwhelmed Nadia and she gets worked up into quite the tizz.
While Nadia worries she may never escape her woodland nightmare, Michelle and Jesse are preparing for their final date.
Michelle doesn't talk to Jesse about the fact she has no feelings for him. Instead, she mindlessly packs her emotional baggage into Jesse's actual baggage and zips it tight.
"We've had two months to get to know each other. We're more friends than anything. A little bit more than friends but that's the direction I saw us heading in," Michelle tells us.
She's struggling. She isn't into Jesse but she doesn't want to say those words. She tries to be diplomatic and talk around it. But it only makes her emotional.
While Michelle freaks out more, adult toddler Jesse is in the next room, practising his lower case letters by writing Michelle a letter in crayon.
What happens next is totally true and has in no way been embellished by me.
Michelle tries, through gritted teeth and a forced smile, to convince us that everything is moving in a positive direction with Jesse. But the more she tries, the more she freaks out.
"I'm getting stressed. Just give me a second," she pleads with producers.
Michelle starts pacing back in forth, trying to enthusiastically say things will be OK between them. Each time she tries to get through the sentence, she shudders and almost voms.
Taking a different tact, she composes herself, sits on the end of the bed and tries to feign enthusiasm for Jesse's big date.
"Yeah, Jesse's got something really fun planned - UGHHHHH IT'S WRITTEN ALL OVER MY FACE," she blurts out, lurching up from the bed and out of the room. She can't fake it anymore. "I can't f*ckin' do this".
She paces around the kitchen before running out of the apartment.
But you don't escape reality TV producers that easily. Michelle's literally tracked down, blindfolded and stuffed into a car with Jesse.
It's in this moment the most shocking revelation of the series comes to light: Jesse has a gross inner-arm tattoo that reads, "You'll never walk alone".
Michelle's then made to wear a boat captain's hat in preparation for when her relationship with Jesse sinks like the Titanic.
It's during Jesse's big fancy date on the boat that Michelle decides it's the ideal time to bring up some of her feelings.
"You have to see both points of view - we've been like in the direction of friends for so long and then you just come out with all these big feelings and sh*t. It's kind of unsettling," she says, explicitly pointing out they're just friends.
Jesse, again, doesn't take the hint.
Michelle chose the worst location to have this conversation. First of all, it's insensitive to attempt to break up with someone when you're on a boat off the east coast of Australia. Once you dump them and they're feeling like a loser, where the F are they meant to go? You can't just sit there sunbaking with a mojito as they sob on the deck of the starboard side.
Secondly, she shot herself in the foot. She didn't anticipate that Jesse would, again, not take the hint. Instead, her resistance has only made him cling tighter.
"But we both know we won't run away from this," he tells her, looking dead in her eyes.
She's on a boat in the middle of the ocean and she can't escape him. Live and learn, Michelle.
Elsewhere, the other couples are stressing about their own relationships when really they have nothing to worry about in comparison to the clowns mentioned above.
Still weighing up the issue of moving interstate, Sean and Susan go to a luxury farm stay and book into one of those ritzy rooms where the bathroom is in the bedroom with no walls around it. I have firm thoughts on this that I, coincidentally, expressed in a recap last week. In a nutshell, no romance can come from it. But somehow, for Sean and Susan, it makes their relationship stronger than ever.
"I really really love him. Yeah," Susan admits.
For Sharon, she's all shaken up because, like Martin Luther King, she's had a dream.
"It was a sh*t dream," she says, clearly shaken to her very bone.
"It's the first time that's happened. In my dream it was trust issues."
And for Andy and Vanessa, they're in that relationship stage where you get too comfortable with each other and start wearing matching sweatpants and fanny packs.
For more observations on fanny packs and casual messy buns, follow me on Twitter: @hellojamesweir