Freebies for Oscar nominees get weirder each year
A FREE goodies bag is enough to send the pulse of any purveyor of products racing, a free sample of the latest hair care product, a travel mug emblazoned with some company's ugly logo, a bag of teeth rotting treats, it doesn't take much to excite the 'because it's free' brigade. Why else would companies do it?
But you really need to go up into a league us mere mortal 'free' loaders can only dream about when you are dealing with the upper echelon of Hollywood aka the Oscars nominees (actors and directors only).
Each year people that earn more money than a small country's GDP are bestowed with a swag that pretty much sums up the astonishing privilege and commercial clout these human beings possess.
This year it's a record breaking US$200,000 featuring an array of products that are interesting if not bizarre.
What exactly is Leonardo Di Caprio going to do with a Vampire Breast Lift worth US$1900, where blood is drawn from somewhere else in your body and reinjected into your mammaries to create more perkiness? The guy only dates supermodels so that's a wasted opportunity right there unless he feels the need to improve his own, or maybe his mum's "Happy Mother's Day".
Then there's a politically correct Hollywood first-class trip to Israel worth $55,000, one of the star products in this bag that keeps on surprising those who already have everything. Wonder if the Palestinians will pull out their mobiles for selfies if they catch a glimpse of Cate Blanchett strolling down the Gaza strip?
Then if you are feeling a little guilty the donation to the animal shelter will help soothe your indulgent lifestyle and the $25 handmade necklace is there to remind you where you came from before Bulgari.
Otherwise there's the Audi car rentals when you can't take your Lamborghini with you, fitness packages for when your personal trainer is on leave, and just to remind us they are human, underarm sweat patches and toilet paper (the latter is posh though. Read this blurb from their website... "Each individual sheet is a multi-layered microcosm of form and function constructed with comfort and cleanliness in mind. Tender virgin new-growth fibres are refined with a provitamin B5 and essential mineral coating to provide maximum skin protection even in dry use." Oh my freakin' God. So even in the lavatory they are on another plane.
It's enough to send you on a chocolate binge, but make sure it's with the personalised M&Ms ($300 worth) which are guaranteed to provide a reassuring burst of ego goodness with every bite.
Ranting about this bizarre bag of tricks and its contents, along with numerous others superficial scribes, is of course providing some fairly decent promotion across the world wide web for Joseph and his virgin bum wipers which just might incite some Hollywood wannabes to go out purchase these goodies for a premium price just so they can clean up their act like Jennifer Lawrence does.
I'll raise my recruitment company travel mug to that kind of marketing.