Oh hi Deni Hines!
Oh hi Deni Hines!

UPDATE: How did our Masked Singer predictions go so far?

Nick Bond, our resident celebrity puzzle master, put his considerable mental might toward figuring out who would be behind the masks on TV's latest musical craze.

We're a few episodes in now, so how's the calibration on our conspiracy cracker? How many has he had right so far?

Let's see how well Nick's done and come to a conclusion on the likelihood that he needs a tune-up.

ALIEN

What Nick said:

Nikki Webster

Result:

No quantum computer could match the precision with witch Nick picked this one. If he's in this kind of form come Melbourne Cup, he may well be in for a serious pay day.

But let's face it. Her biggest, and to most of us only, film clip, Strawberry Kisses, surrounded her with aliens. I think there was a monkey in there too.

There are only so many Aussies who can sing that Aussies with long term television damage can remember, so definitely a win for Nick, but not quite enough to call him Nickstrodamus just yet.

RHINO

What Nick said:

Call a friend (put it to a vote)

Result:

We're going to give Nick a point for copping out but copping out bravely on this one. Putting Russell Crowe on a list of people who can sing is worth a point.

PARROT

What Nick said:

Nothing

Result:

The great Nick-o-tron showed a giant error screen and started blowing smoke at this stage. The Parrot wasn't even mentioned in his prognostications. He loses his point for bravely copping out with the Rhino.

OCTOPUS

What Nick said:

Nothing

Result:

Octopodes are the single greatest animal on the planet and are possibly aliens. Therefore they are possibly Nikki Webster. Therefore he got that one right. So, by logic, he got this one right by not saying anything. Does his genius know no bounds?

THE PRAWN

What Nick said:

Call a friend - again

Result:

We're gonna need a bigger vote.

Conclusion

Nick's biggest problem is that he keeps his computing substrate in his bones. That being said, "of course the Brett Lee was the Parrot" is the kind of sentence nobody should have ever have had to say, ever.

Let's hope he does better next time.
 

ORIGINALLY: ALL THE MASKED SINGERS REVEALED

Guys. Could you have made this a little harder?

We're two episodes into Ten's smash hit talent show/guessing game The Masked Singer, and I'm convinced I've figured out the identities of most of the masked celebs.

 

Me enjoying a night in watching The Masked Singer.
Me enjoying a night in watching The Masked Singer.

In the spirit of being a know-it-all party pooper, let me share my conspiracy theories with the class. These are based on the show's not-so-cryptic clues, but also the dead giveaway for many of the contestants: Their voices.

I'm so confident I'm on the money here that I feel I should warn you. Don't read on if you'd prefer to be surprised by the celebrity reveals.

I've ranked these in descending order based on how incredibly sure of my pick I am, starting with the one I KNOW IN MY BONES:

THE LION IS KATE CEBERANO

 

Lion.
Lion.

 

Kate Ceberano. Picture: Josie Hayden
Kate Ceberano. Picture: Josie Hayden

The clues:

"You have to fight hard to be on top on this big island" - Ceberano's single Bedroom Eyes was the top-selling single in Australia in 1989.

"As a young lion, I entered a competition that would change everything" - according to Ceberano's own website, the very first award she ever won was a third placing in the TV series Search for a Star in 1981.

"I pride myself in being Brave" - Ceberano's debut solo album was called Brave.

" … In whatever I try, and I've tried a lot" - Kate's done musicals, movies, hosted a variety show, written a memoir, been a festival director, etc.

But the real clincher is that voice. Ceberano has one of the most powerful and distinctive voices in Australian music, and the producers of The Masked Singer seem to know that, doing their best to drown her out with a chorus of backing singers during her performance of Panic! At The Disco's High Hopes last night. But the second the Lion went solo, there was no mistaking it: That was Kate Ceberano.

 

 

THE ALIEN IS NIKKI WEBSTER

 

The Alien.
The Alien.

 

Nikki Webster.
Nikki Webster.

The clues:

The Alien was shown in a room with a Spice Girls poster, (Olympic?) rings resting on the wall - Nikki Webster and the Spice Girls are responsible for two of the most iconic Olympics moments of the past 20 years (fact). Baby Spice also wrote a song for Nikki's second album, a fact I just knew would have to come in handy one day.

"People think I appeared out of nowhere but I trained for years" - Her 2000 Olympics debut actually came after many years working in the industry.

"I arrived in a stunning flash of lights and sound and it felt like the world's eyes were on me" - Oh hi, star of the Sydney 2000 Olympic Games Opening Ceremony!

"It was too much for a young alien to bear so I beamed myself away" - by 2010 she'd retreated from the public eye, opening a talent agency for kids.

Compare the Alien's high-energy performance of the Gaga hit Born This Way with Webster's forgotten BOP of a 2009 single, Devilicious:

 

 

 

THE SPIDER IS JADE MACRAE

 

Spider.
Spider.

 

Jade MacRae.
Jade MacRae.

The clues:

"I love to write … I'm proud to say my words have gone all over the world" - MacRae's songwriting credits include hits for singers across Europe.

"There was a lot of love at home, and I learned all I know from Daddy longlegs" - MacRae's musical education started early, as her dad is acclaimed musician Dave MacRae.

"Fighting your way to the top is hard - sometimes you're adored, and sometimes you get squashed, but I'll take the risks" - MacRae previously admitted fans and the media were "quite disappointed in the new direction" when she rebranded under the pseudonym 'Dune' in 2012.

But again, what seals the deal here is the voice: There was a distinctively jazzy tone to the Spider's rendition of Toxic, strikingly similar to MacRae's early noughties hits.

 

 

THE UNICORN IS DENI HINES

 

The Unicorn.
The Unicorn.

 

Deni Hines.
Deni Hines.

The clues:

Unicorns are "creatures born of legends" - a legend like Marcia Hines.

"I have chosen to roam the earth" - Hines toured the world in her 90s heyday, and her Instagram account is filled with photos from her more recent travels across Asia.

"The greatest miracle any unicorn can perform is to spread joy throughout the world" - Hines had a 1997 single called Joy.

Again, Hines' is revealed as soon as she opens her mouth. Listen to the soulful voice of the Unicorn compared to a vintage Deni performance:

 

 

 

THE WOLF IS ROB MILLS

 

The Wolf.
The Wolf.

 

Rob Mills. Picture: Lachie Millard
Rob Mills. Picture: Lachie Millard

"Am I the wolf? I have that reputation. Maybe that's why I'm up all night" - Mills' one album to date was titled Up All Night.

"As a pup, I was keen on sport" - said while holding an AFL football. Mills is a dedicated Hawks supporter and "growing up in Melbourne meant AFL was part of his being."

"It was my dream to make it to the top with huge crowds cheering me on" - He competed in Australian Idol, making it into the top five as he performed in front of cheering audiences each week.

"I'm constantly being misjudged and underestimated" - Mills has transitioned to a prolific musical theatre career, but some still associate him with that infamous Paris Hilton one-night stand.

"I've been an apprentice" - he appeared as a contestant on Celebrity Apprentice.

"I am a triple threat" - in his TV and stage appearances, he's a singer, actor and dancer.

Oh - and the Wolf sounds just like Rob Mills:

 

 

 

 

THE MONSTER IS GORGI COGHLAN

 

The Monster.
The Monster.

 

Gorgi Coghlan. Picture: Getty
Gorgi Coghlan. Picture: Getty

The clues:

"I've always loved horses, and horses love me" - Gorgi's a former state-level equestrian competitor who describes herself as a "horse rider" in her Twitter bio.

"In my work, you have to deal with some heavy material" - She's currently a panellist and fill-in host on nightly current affairs show The Project.

"You don't need a mad scientist, but you do need time in a laboratory" - She has a Uni degree in science and worked as a science teacher (thanks, Wikipedia!)

Here's Gorgi belting out a few lines of a song on radio - sounding just like the Monster who sang the Aretha Franklin hit Think last night:

 

We got serious with Gorgi Coghlan, so she sang us out to lift the mood... #nailedit

Posted by Chrissie, Sam & Browny on Wednesday, 14 March 2018

THE ROBOT IS CODY SIMPSON

 

The Robot.
The Robot.

 

Cody Simpson. Picture: Getty
Cody Simpson. Picture: Getty

The clues:

"I was created by the digital age" - Simpson was discovered via YouTube, where he uploaded his own covers of popular songs

The Robot's shown picking up plastic out of water - In 2017 Simpson was named the first United Nations advocate for oceans.

"I've always been connected to the water" - Simpson won two gold medals at the 2009 Queensland Swimming Championships.

"Growing up, I was surrounded by gold" - Simpson was born on the Gold Coast.

"When I was younger, my favourite animal was the butterfly, but now I prefer something that goes tweet" - The first animal is a nod to his swimming background, the second, his whopping 7.3 million Twitter followers.

 

 

 

THE DRAGON IS MARK 'DIESEL' LIZOTTE (MAYBE)

 

The Dragon.
The Dragon.

 

Diesel, aka Mark Lizotte
Diesel, aka Mark Lizotte

OK, I'm only 50/50 on this one - Lizotte has a great voice and the Dragon's performance of Geronimo last night was a bit iffy - but hear me out.

The clues:
"Breathing fire is easy when you have petrol in your veins" - this clue seemed designed to make everyone think we were dealing with a race car driver, but hello! Petrol - Diesel!

"There's great power in what I can do, it can bring tears of great sadness" - Lizotte is a blues singer.

Has been solo and "part of a team" - Diesel's first album was released with the band The Injectors.

Multiple references to being ancient, old, still standing and still being around - at 53, Lizotte's now a 31-year music industry veteran.

 

 

I'm confident in most of these guesses. Aussie pop music ladies are my specialty - I could pick Tania Doko, Belinda Chapple or Tamara Jaber's voice from 100 paces. Bury Cheyne Coates under a pile of old mattresses and I'd be able to identify her croaky call for a glass of water.

But sports guys aren't my thing. Until last night I didn't even know Brett Lee could sing - I thought she rapped, or whatever. People are insisting the Rhino is Wendell Sailor? I don't know her!

Help me out - who do you think the Rhino and Prawn are?

 

 

 

Don't like my predictions? Come at me through the comments below or on Twitter @bondnickbond



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