Child sex abuse victim’s life broken beyond repair
Writing this statement has been the hardest part of this whole process. Having to try and drag things up from my past that I've tried so hard to bury for so many years hasn't been easy and very emotional.
When innocence is taken from a child, they are broken in a way that can never be repaired. This is what your actions did to me - I was broken beyond repair.
My whole life I have grown up feeling guilty and ashamed for something I had no control over. Your actions changed me, like someone turned the light out, like a part of me was taken away never to be replaced.
I worked so hard to block out all the bad memories from my childhood that I lost so much more. I now find it hard to remember much of my childhood at all.
When confronted, you lied and said my sister and I were the liars. You were convincing too as so many of the family seemed to believe you over us. A couple of little innocent children made to feel like garbage so you could save your own a---. Then family members started to distance themselves from us, like we were in the wrong.
Your actions broke our family!
Since your actions, I have been filled with self-loathing. This has resulted in me having a life long battle with my weight. My self-esteem has always been so low, resulting in me hating myself. How could I look after myself when I hated myself so much. This is obviously a battle I'm still facing which I can overcome with the closure on this part of my life. This also resulted in my belief that how could anyone else love me when I hate myself so much.
I had suicidal thoughts often as a child. At least then I wouldn't feel the guilt and shame anymore. I could stop it all. Thankfully I never acted on those thoughts. Instead, I went down a very dark road.
I just wanted to be loved and feel whole again so I went looking for it in all the wrong places. I became quite a heavy drinker to try and numb the pain and when that didn't work, I turned to drugs - lots of drugs. I became addicted to ice and in my mid-twenties resulting in a debt of over $20,000. How I did not end up dead during this time is beyond me. It was so hard to come back from this but with determination, it was accomplished.
When I met my husband, I lied to him about my past. He is a decent man and I believed if he knew the truth about my dark past, he would see me as the piece of garbage I saw myself and wouldn't want to know me. I kept lying to him for 15 years. When I finally told him the truth, only last year, it nearly bought our marriage to an end.
During my darkest times, I came very close to losing my entire family. I always felt like a disappointment to my parents. I was not going down the road they wanted for me and they couldn't understand why I was unable to change.
What's more is I couldn't either. I would always beat myself up saying 'why can't you just move past this?', 'why are you handling this so badly?'.
I always had such massive guilt that other people had been treated worse than me so why was I reacting so badly. Also the guilt of 'why couldn't I just react like my sister does?'
Fiona* seemed to take the good road and I went pretty much as far bad as you can get. Though we never spoke about what happened to us.
It wasn't until recently that we had that conversation and I was finally able let go of the guilt finding out that your actions against us were not the same as I had previously thought. That in fact, your actions against me were so much worse. No wonder I went down the path I did.
My husband and I now have two beautiful, amazing children and you even managed to bring darkness to that part of my life.
For so many years I was worried about the way I touched my children, wanting to make absolutely sure there was nothing inappropriate about my action.
I wanted to make sure I never hurt them the way you hurt me. It took me a long time to let go of that and realise the difference was your intentions. You set out to hurt and abuse for your own gratification.
I can hardly bare to let my children out of my sight because then I can't protect them from monsters like you.
Some things only God can forgive so for your sake, I hope you're praying.
* Fiona is not the victim's real name. The victims' real names have been changed to protect their identity.