Bogan baby names: the 2017 edition
MY bogan baby names columns on Kidspot have been so popular that they've now become a book.
Here's a selection of brand new, shiny ones that'll knock your socks off.
BACARDI. Alcohol-inspired appellations rank at the top of the bogan totem pole. Just because you spent the Saturday nights of your youth skulling Bacardi Breezers doesn't make it an adequate name for your offspring.
GAIGE. The spelling is what bothers me most about this one. "Gauge" means to appraise or estimate, a "gage" is a challenge, but "gaige" is, well, absolutely nothing. Nada. Zilch. ("Hey, Zilch could be cool a name?!"... NO).
HARISYN. I can't even look at this tragic massacre without hyperventilating, so I'm going to spell it out for everyone (H-A-R-R-I-S-O-N) and move right along.
JAKXSEN. Perhaps these parents were really concerned we wouldn't know how to pronounce the "cks" in Jackson, so they decided to assault us with it three ways? My brain does not enjoy this.
JARREN. Jarrod and Darren walk into a bar. After a few beers, they can't even pronounce their own names anymore, so they collectively refer to themselves as "Jarren" through intoxicated hiccups. It's all fun and games until someone names an actual human Jarren.
KENDREW. This reminds me of an even more vapid version of a Ken doll that asks, "Hello, Barbie, will you marry me?" in a creepy broken loop. Hello, Barbie, hello, Barbie... Eek.
LAKEN. I find nature names such as Cedar, Falcon and Lake a bit odd as it is, but adding a random "N" to Lake makes it worse. Why not Cedarg or Zfalcon?
NICOMACHUS. Oh, HELL no. What's even happening here? It makes me want to laugh and weep at the same time. I'm going to move on before I say something I'll regret.
WYLIUMM. This distorted spelling makes me consider signing up for anger management classes. Is it normal for me to feel this upset over someone else's lack of judgement?
ZYLER. Poor Zyler. He's suffering from a major identity crisis. Is he a Zack or a Tyler? Why couldn't his parents just pick one and spare him the humiliation of such a silly name?
ALIZE. Referring to a brand of pre-mixed fruity alcoholic drinks, Alize is pronounced "Ah-lee-zay" and is about as bogan as baby names get.
DIJON. Like the mustard? Oh, please. Not every French word is appropriate as a baby name just because it sounds cool. "Merdique" might sound melodious, but it means "crappy", so it's best not to trust your feels for this kind of stuff.
ENIVID. Nevaeh is Heaven backwards and Enivid is Divine backwards. It's official: this trend is not my cup of tea. Perhaps Dolores, Beryl and Enivid might enjoy sharing a cuppa as they crochet tea cosies.
FEEBI. "And the Spelling Butchery award goes to…" If someone forced me to name my daughter Feebi, I might have to abandon her in the woods like Hansel and Gretel's parents (just kidding, Mr Officer.)
HARLEEN. Before you argue that only parents from the South of the US would ever name their daughter Harleen, rest assured that even the most American redneck names end up finding their way onto Australia's bogans. Best to nip this one in the bud before it goes too far.
JAZLYN. Jazlyn reminds me of a Disney princess gone bad. "Instead of going to the ball as she'd promised her mother, Jazlyn sliced her gown into a mini-skirt and danced the night away in a seedy nightclub with some boys from the wrong side of the track."
KIRANDA. Soooo… Miranda with a "K" basically? I suppose it's fine if you're a Kardashian and your sister's name is Kequila (actual name), but otherwise it's a no for me.
MIGNON. This makes the French Canadian in me cringe. It's an adjective meaning "cute", but we don't use it as a person's name. Also, it's the male form - the feminine version is Mignonne. The moral of the story is: stop with the random French words.
VEJONICA. In 2015, Reddit users submitted the worst baby names they'd ever heard and Vejonica made the cut. Apparently, it's a mash-up of the baby's grandparents' names: Veronica and John. Am I the only one who thinks it sounds rude?
ZYLA. The "Z" obsession has to stop because it's leading parents to make some very poor choices. Point in case: this silly invention. It makes me want to zomit.