Australia’s ‘worst’ towns revealed
RICK Furphy and Geoff Rissole are two men who have managed to ignite fury in the hearts of Australians everywhere, from Port Pirie to Alice Springs.
The pair operate the viral Facebook page, Sh*t Towns of Australia, which reviews and ranks the country's worst locales on a range of criteria.
Despite its mixed demographic, with the page drawing in everyone from amused readers to furious locals, their witty takes have proven so popular the two released a book at the end of 2019, titled - you guessed it - Sh*t Towns of Australia.
"We put a lot of thought into our reviews and before posting them and make sure we're happy with each write-up. Occasionally, people's comments or reactions make us realise that a town is even grimmer than we realised and that we should have gone harder."
Drugs, unemployment, pollution and "still having a video store" are a few of the clear indicators of a sh*t town, Furphy said.
Five of Australia's eight capital cities made the cut for Furphy and Rissole's "Sh*t Town Power Rankings Worst of 2019" list.
But it was the city of Logan in Queensland, a 30-minute drive from the state's capital, that took out the top spot of "Sh*t Town of the Year".
"Bogan City" was voted "Sh*t Town of the Year" for several reasons, according to the ranking - namely because its entire council was sacked for alleged corruption and a "grub" stole 1000 litres of water from firefighters during bushfires.
"Common hobbies in Logan include getting sh*tfaced and hitting someone with a bit of wood, committing ram raids in hot-wired Holden Colorados, and intergenerational welfare dependency," the pair wrote in a review of the city.
"A popular venue is the Logan Hyperdome, where flannel-clad rednecks fight to the death over Centrelink payments."
PERTH, WESTERN AUSTRALIA
Coming in a close second is WA's capital city of Perth, chosen for its "randy kookaburras" causing "mass blackout by rooting on powerlines", a cafe that allegedly "serves kids brownies laced with weed", the vegan who took her neighbours to court to stop their backyard barbecues, a "d*ckhead" who ripped the head off of a celebrity kookaburra, and a "toddler found sucking on a used condom in McDonalds".
ADELAIDE, SOUTH AUSTRALIA
South Australia's capital of Adelaide, supposedly known as the "City of Churches, Pubs and Serial Killers", took out third spot on the list.
"The city's roll of gory crimes includes a series of gruesome murders committed by a shadowy cabal of paedophiles, a series of gruesome murders committed by a bunch of drongos on the dole, and Jimmy Barnes's musical career," the pair wrote in a review.
It earned its ranking for a dog that swallowed six balloons of heroin, a public servant who was sacked for "pi**ing in an office kettle", and being named "meth capital" of the world.
Decried for a "gronk" who drove around with a "live kangaroo in his car grille" and being named one of the "world's worst crime hot spots", Townsville in north Queensland came in fourth.
"Townsville has been dubbed the unofficial capital of the 'Tropical North' complete with all the horror that entails - oppressive heat, nightmarish disease, and wildlife that devours wayward tourists," Rissole and Furphy wrote.
Yarram, in the southeast of Victoria's Gippsland region, earned fifth place after a fire at a cattle breeding centre sparked a "massive explosion of bull j**z" in September last year.
"Poowoomba", a 90-minute drive from Brisbane, earned its spot at sixth place after the city's streets ran brown when a truck spilt tonnes of human waste.
"The highlight of the city's calendar is the annual Carnival of Flowers, when nannas from across the nation take time out from knitting things no one will ever wear, spouting nonsense on talkback radio and soiling themselves over plants' private parts," a review of the city read on the pair's Facebook page.
NULLARBOR, SOUTH AUSTRALIA
Nullarbor, the South Australian town at the edge of the Nullarbor Plain, earned its spot at number seven after a "d**khead cop" stoned a wombat to death and "escaped charges on a technicality".
SYDNEY, NEW SOUTH WALES
Sydney, "otherwise known as 'London for Aussies who can't handle a twenty-hour flight'", earned its rank at number eight because of a "gronk" who claimed to "be a 'sh*t wizard' and smeared his face with his own sh*t", a van carrying $200 million of meth that crashed into cop cars outside a police station, and having had a "serial poo jogger on the loose".
"Brisvegas" ranked number nine on the list for a "toilet snake who bit a woman on the bum, the 'Cutbush Crapper' who continued their two-year reign of faecal terrorism, and asylum seekers who were admitted into Australia after botching a DIY penis enlargement".
Rissole and Furphy have previously labelled the Queensland capital "a notorious cultural graveyard where high art is spray painting d**ks on walls and fine dining is choosing not to use the drive-thru".
Not to be forgotten, Melbourne came in at No. 10 after a bag of poo was thrown at a bus driver and an elderly couple accidentally delivered $10 million worth of meth.
"The city has been held by the gonads by organised crime groups that run massive drug, racketeering and assassination operations, but thanks to politicians and the media, locals are more afraid of fictional 'African gangs' tagging their fence," the pair wrote.