Mel Buttle: How I’ll avoid clothes shopping for years
THE zip on my best going-out dress is broken, and it has been for a long time. Up until now I've been solving this problem by wearing a cardigan, but with the mercury hitting the mid-30s, it's high time I went clothes shopping. I will do most things within my power to avoid clothes shopping.
I know films and television will have you believe all women love it, but not me. If I want to feel terrible about myself surrounded by mirrors, I'll go to the gym, thanks.
So, in an effort to avoid the stress of the change room and upselling, I do some online shopping.
A week later my parcel arrives and I rip it open like a toddler on Christmas morning.
However, as I try the garments on, one by one they all end up in the "no" pile.
Disappointing. Everything is too small.
Let's not pretend that I've had any dramatic weight loss and I need to go down a size.
Rather, things are tight in weird spots, too short or cut in a way that a lady who can eat a whole tray of macaroni and cheese by herself will simply never be able to pull off.
After posting the clothes back to wherever they think a size 14 barely covers your midriff, I hit up my local shops to find my new look for 2019.
Let's be honest, it's time for a new look; I've exhausted florals and Peter Pan collars. Should I go nautical like a '90s Deborah Hutton, or explore geometric prints?
I play it safe with a few navy dresses and keep away from the florals. It's a small step, but it's a start.
My mum wears a lot of navy too. She's always said, "navy is very slimming but not as harsh as black". Watch out, Anna Wintour, Mum's got ideas.
I've done it now; I've got three new things to wear, which means that I don't need to buy clothes again until I'm in my 40s, at which time I will lock in my look, as my mum has.
She's settled on capri pants, gold sandals and, in her words, "a nice top I can dress up or down". Mum wears this everywhere; it's her locked-in look.
Dad also has locked in his look.
It's basically something from Kathmandu, with hiking boots and pants that tear off to become shorts.
You can wear this sort of outfit anywhere, according to Dad, and he does.
Can't wait to see if he goes for shorts or longs for my birthday dinner.
Mel Buttle is a Brisbane comedian.