OPINION: Clowns are evil ... But it gets worse!

WARNED: Clown activists have been spotted in the Whitsundays
WARNED: Clown activists have been spotted in the Whitsundays Grosescu Alberto Mihai

This is an opinion and only represents the view of the author. 

I'M a bit confused by the recent focus on nasty clowns.

You know, the ones that have been standing in people's backyards and, in some cases, even physically attacking them.

'Clowns out of control', the headlines scream.

'Bad clowns strike fear into hearts of children'.

'School in lockdown as clowns go on warpath'.

I've got some news for you people - clowns have always been nasty.

Sure, not all clowns. There are the odd ones that are genuine when they smile and pull a bouquet of flowers out of their pants.

And those clowns that help sick kids in hospital are all right.

But I have long believed that the rest are evil.

You can tar and feather me all you like but I've had a phobia about clowns since I was a little fella.

I have vague memories of a school fete, some jelly and evil laughter but I've kept the details suppressed.

It's called 'coulrophobia' by the way. Fear of clowns that is.

Just in case you were wondering.

The truth is that it's not clowns you should be worried about.

The truly evils ones - those I like to call the Evil Trilogy - are Santa Claus, the Easter Bunny and the Tooth Fairy.

I don't want to get into an argument about it with you but the evidence is pretty clear.

We all know that dogs have the ability to sense when something is wrong long before we humans do, right?

They'll lick the face of one complete stranger because they sense they are nice but growl at the next one because they can sense evil.

So, why do dogs chase rabbits?

Because they're evil.

And who's the king of the rabbits? The Easter Bunny, of course.

Case closed.

When I was a kid, one of the service clubs put Santa Claus in the back of a ute and drove him around town to hand out lollies to the kiddies.

We were so excited and ran out to the footpath crying "Santa's here! Santa's here!".

But the moment our labrador saw him, he went beserk.

Seriously, he went from a big slobbering puppy dog to a mad animal looking for blood.

Santa was last seen hanging on for dear life as the ute flew down the street at 100kmh.

So, I rest my case on Santa.

And as far as the Tooth Fairy is concerned, I would have thought the argument was obvious.

I mean, how can you trust an invisible being that sneaks into your kids' rooms at night and gives them money in reward for pulling perfectly good teeth from their tiny heads?

Case closed.

So worry about clowns all you like - and I truly believe you should - just don't forget where the real evil lurks.

Topics:  clowns gladstone gladstone region

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