Opinion

Skating on thin ice

Observer reporter Emily Blatchford spends a day in the life of a roller derby skater with Candy Contusions.
Observer reporter Emily Blatchford spends a day in the life of a roller derby skater with Candy Contusions.

I DON'T know how humans came to be. Whether we were created by a divine spirit or evolved from tiny lizard things - it's a bit much for me to contemplate on a Friday afternoon.

However. I will say this.

There is a reason we don't have wheels.

I rock up to PCYC for a day in the life of a roller derby chick full of myusual mix of ignorance and excitement. Roller skates!

Costumes!

Wacky names!

Hoorah!

It's an enthusiasm that is quickly intimidated by the hordes of sexy women hooning around on skates at alarming speeds.

This is no jazzercise.

This is the punk metal of roller skating.

I'm met by Candy Contusions (and no, for those who are feeling a little behind this morning, that is not her real name) - a long-legged derby goddess who makes skating look like a stroll in the park.

It's immediately clear to me I am not going to share her effortless grace.

For one, I put my knee pads on the wrong knees and it takes me a laughably long time to lace-up my skates.

When I'm ready, the man sitting next to me jokes, "I put my motorbike gear on faster than that".

Well, Judgy McJudgeface.

 Let's see you try it.

When up on my (feet? wheels?) I resemble a baby deer learning to walk for the first time.

Although I don't fall over, the process is wobbly and slow. Really slow.

After a couple of laps I'm pooped and I release Candy to join her sexy agile friends.

Motorbike man looks smug and I let him.

His wheels are far, far easier.

Topics:  opinion



How to survive a bushfire in your car

IT SOUNDS like a nightmare, but it can happen.

Eight reasons to join the RFS

SPREAD across 93% of Queensland, the Rural Fire Service has about 36,000 volunteers. And you could be one of them.

What if my insurer gives me grief?

CLAIMING your insurance cover after a natural disaster can go one of two ways. It can be a breeze, or like pulling teeth.

Rio Tinto throws in $6m for Glastone

HELPING HAND: Damian Morgan, Tina Zawila and Kylie Devine are part of the Here for Business program supported by the Rio Tinto Community Fund.

MINING GIANT throws in a whopping sum for Gladstone locals.

He 'snapped' when his pregnant partner refused sex

Domestic violence and assault is one are of law which the Murwillumbah Local Court deals with.

MAN threatened to kill himself in front of their kids.

Pay rise for Gladstone mayor, councillors

Mayor Matt Burnett.

GLADSTONE'S LEADERS will enjoy watching their pay rise soon.

Local Partners

Louis Tomlinson's tribute to late mother

Louis Tomlinson's new single is a tribute to his late mother.

Justin Timberlake stuns students with secret class

Justin Timberlake stunned high school students in Sydney

Carrie Fisher says Ford will be bugged by affair confession

Carrie Fisher is sure Harrison Ford is annoyed at her

Dakota Fanning rekindles romance with childhood sweetheart

Dakota Fanning rekindles romance with ex

Jennifer Lawrence apologises to the people of Hawaii

Jennifer Lawrence sorry for 'offensive' story

Cruz Beckham's single a 'one-off'

He is not planning to launch a full-time music career yet.

Essential to get new Maroochydore CBD fundamentals right

LOOKING AHEAD: The central business district at Maroochydore is planned to be the heart of the Sunshine Coast.

SunCentral reports good progress on 53ha Sunshine Coast city heart

'Crucial' farm land eyed by defence department

Lawson Geddes moving the Brangus cattle to higher ground - which is the land the Defence Department is interested taking for the Shoalwater Bay expansion.

"You can't have one without the other.”

Former Shark Show for sale for $1.3 million

Vic Hislop at the old Shark Show.

TALK about a jaws-dropping real estate opportunity.

There's a whole lot of luxury in this home

The Endeavour Foundation's latest prize home in Mountain Creek.

WHEN it comes to desirable homes, it's hard to go past a prize home.

Ipswich City Properties asset portfolio retains its value

Ipswich City Council Administration Building, South Street, Ipswich. Photo: Claudia Baxter / The Queensland Times

New website launched by Ipswich City Council

Ready to SELL your property?

Post Your Ad Here!