Opinion

Dating advice from the cave you probably should ignore

WELL looky here!

Our fan favourite Man About Town has gone Kerouac on everyone's ass this weekend, so Caveman has been called upon to step in.

So I give you Caveman About Town.

Gladstone's 11th favourite relationship columnist, here to give you advice that is a sure-fire way to have you getting sweet nooky in no time - or packing your things and moving out of the marital home; it could go either way.

Here goes.

When a woman says, "It's okay," that is exactly what she means. You should not look any further into it, and continue on with whatever it was you had planned.

A bloke's guide to the dating game, brought to you by girls

She is clearly giving her blessing that whatever it is you want to do is reasonable, pleasing and the source of much fun to her, so carry on compadres!

This means yes, you can go down to the pub with your mates, put a few bets on and get semi-intoxicated, then roll home and be a general pest, because she said it was okay.

She can have no retribution with you over this, as she granted you her blessing and goodwill for your mischievous endeavours.

If you want us to care about something and understand how you feel, tell us we should and how you feel.

And as the old saying goes, if you make the bed you must lay in it. In her case, it's dealing with a drunk you laying next to her.

This column is a double-edged sword.

I have just presented an excellent case of why it is vital women should say what they think, not what they think we will decipher, as we are for the majority idiots, and have no idea/desire to understand the way a lady's mind operates.

If you want something done, tell us. If you don't, tell us.

If you want us to care about something and understand how you feel, tell us we should and how you feel.

Otherwise, we'll carry on thinking about whatever idea is in our head at the time - usually things such as how it would be possible to get our hands on one of those sweet motorised Eskies, or how best we go about killing the annoying people on My Kitchen Rules and other such pitiful excuses for 'entertainment'.

And most importantly, if you want us to attend something and act vaguely interested, bribe us!

We are simple creatures.

Now that should just about settle things, however, I will teach you how to master the art of surprise.

Never shower a woman with gifts, do not encourage the consumerist abberation that is Christmas, Valentines Day, birthdays etc.

Rather, operate on the notion of extremely rarely presenting gifts; hence the surprise factor will skyrocket, and the gift will be much more appreciated if it is the exception, rather than the rule.

Well, that should be enough love advice to cover a week without Man About Town.

Hopefully I've assisted you all and I take no responsibility for any pending divorces that may arise if any of you are stupid enough to take advice from a guy who has been dubbed the 'Two-Week Special' by his own mother and sister in the past.

Adios hombres, and next weekend, normal Caveman proceedings will resume. I'm off to grab a beer and drink it in the shower.

All this soppy love talk feels dirty and wrong.

Best of luck budding Romeos out there. Remember, you've gotta risk it for the biscuit.

Topics:  caveman chronicles, opinion, scott sawyer



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